My Identity: Who Am I?

Identity is defined as the distinguishing character or personality of an individual, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  I see the identity of my life being shaped by many things, but most importantly through being adopted, a survivor and a musician.

I was adopted at four months and have always seen that as being special.  I used to tell my sister when she would tease me about it that I was picked and they were stuck with her.  Not exactly the truth.  My parents received a phone call on a Thursday night that a child was available for them and they could come see me and pick me up the next morning.  They frantically called friends and family to tell them the news and gather the necessary items needed for a newborn.  Friday morning, they came to the Kansas Children’s Home to meet their new daughter.  My mother said I reminded her of a baby bird, opening my mouth to eat, big brown eyes that noticed everything, but no smile, cooing or tears.

Erik Liu, author of Notes of a Native Speaker, wrote, “In many ways, I fit the psychological profile of the so-called banana: imitative, impressionable, rootless, eager to please (Liu 95).”  This describes my young life to a tee; I didn’t know who I was or where I came from, but I tried to fit in wherever I could.  I didn’t ask to be adopted and as I grew older, I often wondered why my birth parents didn’t want me.  My mother had a small amount of information from the court when my adoption was final, but nothing in concrete.  When I turned eighteen, I began to search for my birth parents but after many doors being closed in my face, I quit.  It was an empty space I would have to live with until many years later when the Internet would bring me face to face with my past and my humble beginnings.  I don’t know if finding my birth parents made me feel like I finally fit in somewhere, but I think it brought some closure to the many questions of why I felt I wasn’t wanted anywhere.

I think the beginning of my life, knowing I was different because I was adopted, helped me down the road to become the survivor I am today.  I survived childhood abuse, marital abuse, two rapes and the horrific pain of burying two children and a grandchild.  Because of this, I have become an avid supporter and speaker for women’s causes.  I understand the pain they have endured.  I’ve walked a mile in their shoes and bought a new pair.  I found a place in this world through talking to and through these women that have gone through the same things I have and identified themselves as survivors.  “If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back, and get it right side up again (Truth 146)!”

One thing that has shaped my life and brought me through many of the trials I have dealt with is my love of listening to, writing and performing music.  I began playing piano when I was four years old and not long after that took up the violin, bass and guitar.  I’ve written and performed music in many genres from standard gospel to my current love of blues.  I try to convey my heart and soul through the words I write and the voice that God has given me to minister to others.  I was in a coma for many days in my early life and it was music that pulled me through and gave me something to strive for.  I wanted to play the piano again and continue singing.  I had to work hard, physically and mentally, to be able to do this.  As I listened to tapes of myself performing on a stage, I learned to talk, walk and eventually play the music I had been taught as a child.  Music was a lifesaver for me and is used in many forms of therapy in hospitals and other treatment centers today.

Gloria Anzaldua, author of Beyond Traditional Notions of Identity, wrote, “Though most people self-define by what the exclude, we define who we are by what we include.”  There are other things in my life that have shaped my identity from being a mother of handicapped children to an older student coming back to college after thirty years of working.  But I feel being adopted, a survivor, and having my love of music that I do have formed my identity more than anything else has.